I remain absent - not really listening to what she says.
Just hearing a bunch of words said in quick succession - she’s emptying her store of regrets on me.
Surreal - just like a machine running.
Makes me want to get up, sit on my red scooter, and just get some fresh air.
Can’t bear to be part of her self-created victim universe
“It's everyone else's fault that I don't feel well - if I didn't have my 2 dogs, I don't know what I would do. They never disappoint me. I mourn my best parents and, most recently, my aunt, who died in 2019."
I met Sanne in the waiting room of Putu's massage clinic.
She is from Europe. We quickly started a conversation, and suddenly her story sent me back more than 15 years. It the slightly surreal - being in two places at the same time.
But the energy in her stories gives me a strong feeling - that she doesn't dare to let go.
Clings to herself - for fear of losing control - that identity - facade - or whatever she wants to call it.
The fear feeds the fear, and then that feeling takes power and control. It is this feeling that sends me off.
The film in front of my eyes runs strong and in many colors - it's just like being back in the underground Metro again - on the way to work at an impressive speed.
I have to meet at the office at 7 o'clock - so there is plenty of time.
But enjoying the daily journey that I spend reading the book I have been recommended.
"How to break without falling apart," the book is called.
Written by Mark Epstein.
Who has written it from a Buddhist point of view.
But stop, it sets a lot of thoughts in motion, and it can be difficult both to relate to the reading material and then navigate through all the ideas it shows to my inner gaze I push myself further into the plastic seat so as not to lose my balance - but this particular day - I have reached what gives me a personal awakening.
I am not everything they say about me - what I do - what I think I have to do so that the people around me think of me.
But when I let go - Finn just remains in many fragments.
Which I can only choose from and what I don't want anymore.
I can just leave my experiences behind.
But thanks for the experiences but no to continuing the journey and the friendship.
During this period, I am in a tumultuous phase in my life.
After my life is broken in half.
End of 26 years of partner/marriage.
In one fell swoop, I lost the most essential anchor point of my life.
My family.
What I had spent the waking hours of the day cherishing for more than 15 years.
The small family - villa - Toyota and miss cat.
But knew very well throughout the last long period that we had shared what we could.
Gave each other an incredibly wonderful travel life and, finally, a couple of wonderful children.
Who was now in the middle of puberty.
“Wouldn't it be better to travel every ten? Then the children can move on with two happy parents. Yes, I'm just asking."
Was the comment from my good colleague Birger
"But all this is based on your childhood - I can hear my best friend Ulla say."
She is a psychotherapist daily and very skilled, but of course, she is not my therapist.
So the thoughts fly around and form their own logical pattern that I don't understand.
It howls in the train as we are forced to change direction at high speed down here in the dark - in the subway, past Our Saviour's cemetery.
My childhood sides Ulla - yes, I wonder if that's where I should also start my personal archaeological work.
Even if it brings uneasiness just to skim the surface of my experiences.
"When you discover that you have something in your baggage that hinders you or you experience that there are patterns in your life. Then look the tiger in the eyes, get rid of these energies, and get the life you dream of."
Says Ulla Otherwise, these bad energies will rule your life.
In my childhood, I was lucky enough to have grown up with an incredibly loving single mother.
She came from the province and was raised to be a placer.
A pleaser She was incredibly good at that. When she went to sales, she always came home with things for a large part of the family.
But she hadn't gotten anything herself because time had run out for her. Such was her whole train of thought.
Which I think contributed to her later getting malignant cancer in her emotional center. Stomach/intestines.
It shortened her life significantly.
So the foundation of my childhood is a loving and serving disposition.
When, at 50+, I had to start up all by myself, and for the first time, there were, of course, lots of things in my head.
But mostly the idea of seeing to clean up all the roles I had been given/assumed.
But if I am not in all these roles - no longer willing to be a pleaser, who am I?
But inside my head, there was a considerable obstacle created by my subconscious.
If I lose control of this setup, I will fall apart.
The void scared me.
I presented this problem to Ulla. She talked about her journey and what helped her.
She recommended the book that I was now reading.
This morning in the Metro, I finished the book and decided to take back the lead stick and start a journey with myself.
After that, I only listened to other people's opinions about me and my life if my gut feelings said ok.
Even if it meant saying goodbye to some of the people I had in my circle of friends.
The image of the future was terrifying - but the gut feeling was beautiful. A new journey together with Finn and me It turned out to be, and in many lovely ways.
Lots of beautiful experiences, but also lots of experience.
I gave myself time to get a handle on the life I dreamed of myself and stopped pleasing everyone.
But used my heart to make the choices I did.
Because they meant something to me - meant something to them.
Maybe the meeting with Jenny has also inspired you.
I lost contact with her.
Take care of yourself and, remember - to be true to yourself - live the life you dream about.
My experience is that we do not face any challenges without being able to cope with them and become more prosperous from experience - if we need help, ask the universe
