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Experiences from my journey.

My world disappears in an instant; beneath my feet, my body is flung forward by the boat's deck the second the boat's keel digs into the underwater sandbar.

At the last moment, I grab the rigging on the mast to cushion the fall before relentlessly hitting the ship's deck. After recuperating a bit, I sit up and begin to climb onto one of the storage boxes mounted on the deck.

I sit for a while, heal myself, and realize that nothing serious has happened.

But neither the ship nor me.

No damage has been done to the material things because of the sandy bottom, but once again, my pride is grounded and has suffered a defeat.

My self-confidence has become more dented at the edges.

However, it is not the first time in my life that I have tried to run aground. It is almost a recurring theme that has been going on for many years.

On further reflection, these groundings have occurred over the last 40 years. Specific patterns in my life keep repeating themselves over and over again.

One of the recurring themes that repeated itself several times was in my relationships with women in my life. Every time I set out on a new journey, I experienced the rush to pass the same places.

I ended up in the same situations that I had experienced before.

Next, regardless of how I started my journey and which new travel companion and co-player I have had on my journeys.

Then I often ended up in the same place as so many times before. But each time, the journey has just slightly different variations in the individual details and circumstances.

When I look back at the patterns. Perhaps it is consistently the same places that I run aground with the sailboat of my life.

On my journey through life together with other people.

Have I often experienced that I did not trust them?

Not something that was personal concerning the individual person but more general.

I had difficulty with close relationships.

I was almost aware in advance that they would let me down, abuse me, and take advantage of me.

Therefore, I remained isolated in many areas and opted out of close relationships.

The feelings within me concerning other people were very mixed: Abandonment - inferiority - insecurity - insecurity - not feeling good enough - not hitting, the sense that I had to do everything possible to get love from other people and similar feelings.

Later in the process, I found out that a failure in my early childhood in the relationship with my mother had disastrous consequences for the rest of my life.

Precisely this that she had failed me in some of the most fundamental areas.

No person is closer to a child than a mother.

The person, the child, trusts the most. Therefore, maternal failure is crucial for the child's future experience of the world. If I can't have complete trust in her, who has carried me under her heart for 9 months, who can I trust?

Well, no one, the logical answer would be.

This experience/programming came to mean an incredible amount to me.

It is many of the same feelings that become pervasive in my relationships. Something in my navigation has gone wrong in connection with my choices and my experiences throughout life.

My usual reaction was that I always tried to blame other fellow travelers for what happened in my life.

The blame for the wrong choices that didn't make me finish. Maybe didn't get us to the finish line together.

In this way, I could dodge, slip away, get around, not deal with what I experienced and avoid having to deal with myself altogether.

In some situations, I felt like reacting to the problem by leaving my body, becoming distant, hiding, or simply physically leaving the place.

That way, it felt more accessible for me, and it was that way that I subsequently got through the difficult periods more easily.

When I left the place, I had the impression that the other party would realize that I was suffering and that, in that way, we would find a solution. But it just never happened. So I had to learn to speak up and say what I felt.

Things were challenging to understand, and I wasn't prepared to start dealing with my life.

Not prepared to look at the whole thing at the seams and deal with all the sub-elements of my experiences.

Should there be the last excuse, it was often the other sailboats, which do not maneuver as I thought/expected they would. But I was deceiving myself with these evasions in the process of navigating incorrectly about the correct inner course.

When at one point, I ran aground in the same place again, I felt compelled to go ashore to think things through.

When I finally hit the sandbar, the breakthrough in my life happened.

I realized that I didn't want to keep going around in circles.

I couldn't take it anymore that things didn't change significantly.

That I didn't change.

I realized the need for me to go ashore, get my feet wet and clean up in order to move on.

It occurred to me that these groundings should not be perceived as a personal defeat but rather as a pat on the back from the universe telling me that it was time to think.

Consider, re-evaluate, and plan new ways to approach the wonderful life and since then, act following what I had decided.

I sat there on the deck box and let things roll through my head and let my brain get pretty blown as I sat and let the images roll through my head.

Image after image - grounding after grounding - no matter which image appeared on my inner screen, I was in the movie.

Suddenly the realization came as in this that I was the consistent figure in all the films.

There is nothing strange about that, I am looking at my life, so of course, I am in all the pictures.

The captain of the proud ship!

But as I watched the recordings, I realized that I had become the captain of my own journey.

Who had not been wholly proven about the planning?

But who had introduced democracy in his leadership and left all responsibility to others?

This sweet captain who wanted to please everyone was a good role that had given me a lot of success, but personally, it had a high cost and could not be used in the long run This realization, of course, shook me very much and brought me into a severe inner storm.

Where the only thing I could do was to rope the sails as much as possible so that I could still control my inner ship. But without the wind taking control of the ship, and then do my best to ride out the storm.

While I was in the power of the storm and struggling to get control of the ship - I had a lot of time to think about life.

Revisited a lot of experiences that came floating through my head like a whole fantastically clear feature film.

Many good clips of times and moments have meant an incredible amount to me. Many also unworthily brought sorrow, sadness, and pain.

Many of them were reunions with some of all the sandbanks I have run aground on over time.

Had to realize that if I was to have my navigation succeed, I had to look thoroughly at myself and my own experiences with entirely new eyes.

I had to stand up for myself, to take responsibility for my life - to become the responsible captain of my life.

Need to take full and complete responsibility for myself and my life. This decision was by no means easy for me.

There was water for others to constantly chime in and tell me.

If I were to move on, I would have to deal with my past in order to navigate more correctly in my future.

This meant that I had to look at what I contained experiences/programming, what I was through my upbringing been marked by, and in what way these programs affected all the choices I made every day.

This meant that I had to review a lot of choices and decisions I had made.

At first, I felt incredibly tired of dealing with all these old images, feelings, and energies, but I strongly desired to move on.

Couldn't bear to continue in the same way in the future. At this point, I felt that I had to leave my inner navigation to my heart, which was not influenced by my mind or others.

My heart which is constantly trying to make me make the right decisions, the ones that are good and healthy for me.

I had to examine what experiences were not good or healthy for me. Had to deal with how my unfortunate choices had had painful effects on other people around me.

Especially the unfortunate choices that I had made in relation to people in my life with whom I had very close relationships. I could feel that my heart was breaking and that the feeling of "sadness inside" forced its way up violently through my chest.

Because this had to invariably mean that the women in my life had a lot of pain because of the patterns I had in our relationship.

When I had never adjusted the reference points for my sailing, I had dragged the bad patterns into the new conditions again and again. Repeated the same error.

But this process of taking responsibility stirred up a lot of resistance and repression inside me. Because I felt that deep inside me, there were a lot of things that I had not dealt with.

Overlooked and or just stowed out of the way deep down in the dark at the bottom of the ship.

Things I couldn't bear to see again. Partly because it seemed so completely unmanageable that I didn't quite know how to approach things or how to get a handle on this new process.

But not least, the image of what I would become when I now let go of all this that the ship's hold contained? If I set about putting much of the cargo ashore, what would be left of "me."

What if maybe I went a massive part of the content - who was I then?

As I sat there on top of the sandbank on my grounded ship, all the while I felt the helplessness and the crying rise up in my throat.

I just had to let go.

After this decision, I could feel a new wonderful feeling of getting closer to what was me and what I wanted from myself for the rest of my life.

This to be a proven captain, who admittedly had not had great success with navigation until now, but who was willing to learn and become more proven in the future.

As well as thorough in terms of choosing targets and setting a good course.

The feeling was delightfully filled with a new inner will, and it grew in strength inside my body.

New energies in my body wanted to come forward, up, and try to make things work again.

But this time, just in my own self-chosen new way so I could continue sailing on my journey.

A journey that would get better and that would succeed, now in a more proven way.

A journey towards fantastic, lovely goals filled with experiences filled with good energies.

But first, I should have wiggled the ship loose from the sandbar.

The process started by me starting by rewinding the movie in my head.

In my mind, I reviewed all the experiences that I had during the journey to see if there were experiences and circumstances that contained coincidences of similarities.

The amazing thing was that as soon as I had started the process, all the film clips that I had in my body came up.

Not all at once, but just in the order that I was prepared to process them and at the speed that my body and my mind could hijack them.

It helped me tremendously throughout the process to ask the universe for help and strength to take this necessary and incredible journey through inner cleansing and purification.

When I was able to create an overview in this way, I could also see what caused me to run aground and what I had to do to become better at not running aground in the future.

I started to draw a map of my interior, where there were a lot of amazing things to get.

Lots of family -, travel -, personal experiences that were filled with wonderful energy.

Energies that light up my interior and give me many feelings of incredible happiness.

Love to my parents, my family, my friends, and the women in my life. Pictures of the time my children were born. Where I witnessed this wonderful thing, that man gets life and begins a journey here on earth.

There were many good experiences that I had forgotten to bring up on a regular basis.

Memories that just had to be dusted off so that they did not become too vague and came to be absent with their magnificent energies.

But in the depths of the "backpack" there were also a lot of things that had just been dumped.

Tucked away in various drawers in the cargo of the ship - in my body.

Things were just packed out of the way without me trying to deal with why I didn't want to look at what it was.

Nor did I deal with why I kept this energetic* waste, namely images of the experience filled with various emotions that were not processed.

Why I was so afraid to relive these energy experiences and have them processed so that they no longer lived inside me, and had their own hidden energy life.

Experienced encountering them from time to time when I found myself in situations that evoked similar feelings. Emotions that made certain drawers open, and then a lot of uncontrollable energy came up.

The rush of emotions from this drawer often made me do something that I later regretted.

Precisely because of the whole large amount of bad energies that flowed out from the drawer.

I had a hard time separating the feelings from each other, those that belonged to this current situation and then all those that were simply due to many similar experiences in my life. Failure of care in the early childhood years and failure of trust in childhood from adults in my immediate vicinity. Lack of community through childhood, experiences and reflections from adults who throughout my life have given me a basis of experience that was intended for their life, their journey, not mine.

What did these people show about the tasks and journey I have in this life! Many of these experiences were closely related to helplessness, loneliness, sadness and fear.

Emotions that were accumulated in the body, which constantly required the body's energy to survive, which left physical and psychological traces and symptoms.

Some even produced physical symptoms. But the decision to change things and clean things up gave a lot of good energy.

The decision meant that I started a fantastically wonderful process that has given me a lot of good energy ever since the change and a lot of courage in relation to changes towards the new.

This lovely feeling that I am right in the middle of my life where I myself have chosen as many of the ingredients as possible.

That I myself have taken responsibility for most things and always try to stick to my dreams and goals.

Back on the ship, I decided to seek port and get my boat cleaned up.

When cleaning up on deck and in the cabin was completed, it was time to have a good look at the map to find a suitable Harbor.

The choice fell on a port I had visited before, a small idyllic port in Porto Galere on the east side of Mindora Island in the Philippines.

The sail was again set and the course set for this, the first stop on my new journey.

The ship had to go into port to get a ride on the bedding and then the whole ship had to be inspected.

A wonderful feeling that a new journey awaits just around the corner bubbled in my chest.

* 1. When I write about programming, it is my way of describing what happens when other well-intentioned people transfer their own images onto others/me without me having been able to sort through what they thought was good for me, my upbringing and for my journey in life.

* 2 Energies that are in our body and that affect our lives both positively and negatively