The body always remembers!
And gives a signal I looked up into the anesthetist's face.
Register that the friendly person is about to empty a syringe of anesthetic into my hand. Looked around at the medical team standing around my bed. They would try to treat my nervous fibrillation by giving the heart CPR.
The shock would cause the heart to stop - for a short moment - after which it would start beating on its own again.
Hopefully, this time it will be in a smooth and natural rhythm.
The many months with the flickering heart had been a great physical and mental strain.
I quickly became short of breath when I worked.
Sometimes I would get dizzy and have fainting spells.
My temper, which was otherwise quiet and calm, was now quicker to get going and boil over.
On top of that, there had been some boring anxiety attacks, which came wholly unannounced and without logical reason.
It was as if the chest was constricting, making breathing difficult.
The anxiety attacks were often mixed with the thought of dying, although
I did not fear death.
Showed that I had to go back to my home in the universe.
The few seconds the seizure lasted began to feel like long minutes.
My psyche was also very strained, and I had no energy.
The thoughts just went round and round all the time, both about the work situation and also concerning the physical symptoms.
When the plunger on the doctor's syringe was all the way down, I could immediately feel the lovely weightlessness that came immediately after the injection.
I was almost lifted up from the bed in a floating motion and experienced it nice feeling that all the weight was taken off my shoulders.
This feeling gave me an excellent sense of inner peace.
They gave me a quick and effective treatment, which I didn't register much of during the anesthesia, just the lovely inner peace.
When I returned, I could immediately feel a significant improvement in my chest.
Could feel how nice it felt that the heartbeat was in the right rhythm.
The burdensome feeling that the heart was about to jump out of the chest had wholly disappeared, and the body had calmed down.
My thoughts were filled with gratitude, and I sent up a thank you to my master and master of the universe because, as always, he had looked out for me and helped me.
Especially during the entire period of illness and now during the latest treatment.
Having a helper in the spiritual world, who traveled together all the time with me, gave me an incredibly friendly and safe feeling inside.
The nurse came in and told me to just lie still and let the anesthesia wear off.
I let my mind go back 1½ years to the start of the new job.
When hiring them, they had emphasized that the workplace had to be cleaned up.
That this was an important part of my work duties.
They thought I was the right person for the job! Because of my qualifications.
But the other colleagues on the job had no intention of working with a new boss who wanted to clean things up.
Especially not when they had to give up all the privileges they had granted themselves and the division of labor they had been allowed to choose for themselves.
At the same time, there were frictions with a supplier who proved to over invoice everyone his deliveries, so the amounts on the invoices were entirely out of proportion.
Invoices that I had to vouch for and approve.
After the first six months, their open rebellion started.
My things disappeared, my wardrobe was broken open and sabotaged in
my work areas, and suppliers were filled with lies.
Slander and proven harassment became part of everyday life.
Everyday life became full of problems, often very long and sometimes prohibitive.
The desire to work also had it, suddenly disappearing.
But inside I was full of confidence because the management kept telling
me that they were behind me and supported me.
After 4 months in this open job war, the management suddenly gave up.
In the middle of a meeting, I was told that people were saddened by the discord that had come into the workplace.
They believed that I was the one who created the discord.
The dispute had come after my employment.
You couldn't stand hearing all the bad stories anymore.
When I heard this explanation and could feel that they fell on my back,
that my struggle had been in vain, it was as if a door opened inside my
head and time suddenly stood still.
I heard their voices coming from far away.
Could feel myself falling and falling freely through the air as everything around me disappeared.
I just wanted to get up and leave the place.
Maybe apologizing to the others that I just left.
Just get away - keep your distance.
But I stayed - and also remained at the workplace.
I then looked after my own work tasks and began to become like a shadow. Just slide along and add me to the counterparty's terms.
I could have quit, but had financial obligations and am also getting older. Should have left the workplace.
What was the possibility of getting a new job?
As time went on, the feelings of this strain became more and more chronic.
Every day was like I was walking with a stone in my shoe and just had to concentrate all the time that it was going to lie somewhere in the shoe so that it hurt the least when I stepped on it.
The poor working situation had a profound impact on my private life as
well. Lack of surplus in everyday life for private matters, lack of tolerance, and the mood was often burdened by depressing thoughts.
Even my relationship was significantly strained by the situation.
Finally, one day a fuse in my body melted.
The body now sent, a clear disaster, the signal that there was something completely wrong in relation to the great chronic strain it found itself in on
a daily basis.
The heart tried to jump out of the chest by making many small beats,
and there were suffocating sensations in the chest.
I couldn't catch my breath.
A visit to my own doctor sent me straight to the local hospital.
Here I was admitted for monitoring and subsequently received treatment. Over the past 10 months,
I had been treated with both physical examinations and an endless supply of pills.
Now it had ended with me having been stabbed in the heart to stop the many false heart signals that caused it to beat out of rhythm.
I had all along suppressed the many danger signals, the many flashing
red lights, and the physical pain. When there were too many lamps
shining in my inner room,
I had simply removed the lamps so that they could not light up.
After all, no flashing lights were a signal that there were no dangerous symptoms.
I had to learn from this situation and become better at listening to myself. Take care of the first danger signals, the little red lights that tell you that something was wrong.
Finding out what was good for myself, both in relation to my working life,
but also in relation to my private life.
Going forward, I will make some proven decisions about what I want in my life and what I don't want.
Which roles I wanted to play and which I no longer wanted.
Best signs me out of the burdensome games of the others, what they wanted from me and what they wanted me to do.
Make decisions about what I can offer others who were in my life. Otherwise, I would end up in the same place once again and then my body would again react in the same way.
This process of proven choices, I will keep going for the rest of his life.
Proven choices would yield a proven life filled with just
about everything I've wanted.
I felt a nice warm, and calm sensation spread through my body.
As if the universe wanted to tell me that I had made an incredibly good decision for itself.
All at once I felt that they would be there to support me on my journey. Make sure to help me if there is a need for it.
I closed my eyes, slipped into the pillow, and further into myself.
Onward into a liberating sleep.
I was filled with incredibly wonderful joy and peace in my body in relation
to the future.
Written in 2016
