I remain absent - not really listening to what she says.
Just hearing a bunch of words said in quick succession - she emptying her inner store of regrets on me.
(Emptying one's waste on other people is an offense in my world)
Surreal - just like a machine running.
Makes me want to get up on my red scooter and just get some air.
Can't bear to be part of her self-created victim universe
"It's everyone else's fault that I don't feel well - if I didn't have my 2 dogs, I don't know what I would do. They never disappoint me. I mourn my best parents and most recently my aunt who died in 2019"
I met Sanne in the waiting room at Putu's clinic.
She is from Europe.
We quickly struck up a conversation and suddenly her story sends me back more than 15 years.
The slightly surreal - being in two cities at the same time.
But the energy in her stories gives me a strong feeling - that she doesn't dare to let go. Clings to herself - for fear of losing control - that identity - facade - or whatever she wants to call it.
The fear feeds the fear and, then that feeling takes the power and control.
It is this feeling that sends me off.
The film in front of my eyes runs strong and in many colors - it's just like being back in the Metro train again - on the way to Lergravsparken station at an impressive speed.
I have to meet at the office at 7 o'clock - so there is plenty of time.
But enjoying the daily journey that I spend reading the book I have been recommended. "How to break without falling apart" the book is called. Written by Mark Epstein.
Who has written it from a Buddhist point of view.
But stop, it sets a lot of thoughts in motion and, it can be difficult both to relate to the reading material and then navigate through all the thoughts it shows to my inner gaze I push myself further into the plastic seat so as not to lose my balance - but this particular day - I have reached what gives me a personal awakening.
That I am not everything they say about me - what I do - what I think I have to do, so that the people around me think of me.
But that when I let go - Finn just remains in many fragments - which I can only choose from and what I don't want anymore - I can just leave the graveyard of experiences behind - but thanks for the experiences but no to continuing the journey and the friendship.
During this period I am in a tumultuous phase in my life. After my life broke in the middle.
End of 26 years of partner/marriage.
In one fell swoop I lost the most important anchor point of my life.
My family. What I had spent the waking hours of the day cherishing for more than 15 years. The small family - villa - Toyota and miss cat
But knew very well throughout the last long period that we had shared what we could.
Gave each other an incredibly wonderful travel life and finally a couple of wonderful children.
Who was now in the middle of puberty. “Wouldn't it be better to travel every ten?
Then the children can move on with two happy parents.
Yes, I'm just asking " Was the comment from my good colleague Birger "But all this is based on your childhood - I can hear my best friend Ulla say".
She is a psychotherapist by day and very skilled, but of course not mine. The thoughts fly around and form their own logical pattern that I don't understand.
The train howls as we are forced to change direction at high speed down here in the dark - past Our Saviour's cemetery.
My childhood sides Ulla - yes, I wonder if that's where I should also start my personal archaeological work - even if it brings uneasiness just to skim the surface.
"When you discover that you have something in your baggage that hinders you or you experience that there are patterns in your life - then look the tiger in the eyes and get rid of these energies and get the life you dream of"
Otherwise, these energies will rule your life. In my childhood I was lucky enough to have grown up with an incredibly loving single mother. She came from the province and was raised to be a pleaser.
A pleaser She was incredibly good at that.
When she went to sales, she always came home with things for a large part of the family. But she hadn't gotten anything herself because time had run out for her.
Such was her whole train of thought. Which I think contributed to her later getting malignant cancer in her emotional center.
Stomach/intestines. It shortened her life significantly.
So the foundation of my childhood is a loving and serving disposition. When, at the age of 50+, I had to start up all by myself, and for the first time, there were of course lots of things in my head.
But mostly the idea of seeing to clean up all the roles I had been given/assumed.
But if I am not all these roles - no longer willing to be a pleaser, who am I? But inside my head there was a huge obstacle, created by my subconscious. If I lose control of this set up, I will fall apart.
The void scared me. I presented this problem to Ulla.
She talked about her journey and what helped her.
She recommended which I now sat with in my hands on the way under the cemetery in the Metro train.
This morning in the Metro, I finished the book and decided to take back the lead stick and start a journey with myself.
After that, only listening to other people's opinions about me and my life, if my gut feelings said ok.
Even if it meant saying goodbye to people in my circle.
The image of the future was terrifying - but the gut feeling was wonderful.
A new journey together with me and Finn It was, and in many ways.
Lots of wonderful experiences and also lots of experience.
Perhaps the meeting with Jenny can also inspire you.
Take good care of yourself and remember - My experience is that we do not face any challenges without being able to cope with them and become richer from the experience - if we need help, ask the universe
Many bright and loving energies to you and yours.
Hug Finn
